O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The War Prayer
By Mark Twain
Monday, May 17, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Lost in Translation
I swear to Dad, all I've been hearing about lately is the second coming! Second coming this, and second coming that, and blah blah blah.
And what makes it particularly ridiculous is that's not even what I said at all. I said second CUMMING.
No fucking lie, I haven't had an orgasm in two-thousand years.
How do you say blue balls in Aramaic?
And what makes it particularly ridiculous is that's not even what I said at all. I said second CUMMING.
No fucking lie, I haven't had an orgasm in two-thousand years.
How do you say blue balls in Aramaic?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Fuck Dr. Laura!
I am hereby re-purposing this letter to a more deserving recipient.
Dear Fred Phelps:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your ministries, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Gay Jesus
Monday, May 10, 2010
Fucking Judas!
Dear Diary,
Oh man, I’ve really done it this time. I was hanging out with my disciples, telling them all about the Promised Land – you know, a bunch of shit I made up to make myself the center of attention, god I love attention – and Judas was there, and he was just so strong and muscular and…I’m weak. I know I’m supposed to be asexual. I’m trying to start this new religious based on how awesome I am; I can’t be out there fucking anything that moves. I know my sexual desires will undermine my self-involved mission of starting a movement named after me, but I am a human being after all, despite what I tell these morons.
And Judas was there hanging on my every word while I was talking commandments and how evil women are, and I told him “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and I swear, I SWEAR his gaze traveled down my (rock hard) body, and he licked his lips! This is what the Romans are always talking about in the bath houses. The prolonged eye contact, the conversations filled with sexual undertones. The shrouds, my god, the barely-there shrouds…
So I took him aside while the others were talking about their beards and shit, and offered to get him “closer to God.” This line works all the time on the boys down at Jerusalem Day School where I like to play a little game I call “Sodom and Gomorrah,” and I figured it would work on him too. I had him sit down and get comfortable so I could heal him. I’m always offering to heal people, so I can get all handsy. I’m nothing if not creative – and manipulative. And a tiger in the sack (rarr!).
I got on my knees in front of him to pray for his sins and initiate the “healing process” whereby I put his uncut dong directly into my mouth. What a sexy sight the two of us made, all sweaty in the afternoon sun. He protested, just as they always do, but I quieted him down and told him Mary Magdalene lets me use my healing mouth on her all the time. These guys are so desperate to get in on the ground level, that they’re quick to fall for these petty power games against each other. We all know Mary Magdalene is a dyke. She’d rather go cheer on the gladiators than play doctor with one of them. Mmm, gladiators.
Anyway, he’s getting into it against his will (I love a struggle), and I’m about to pull out my A game and bend him over the hood of Peter’s oxen cart, and dude flips out. He’s all like “blah blah blah fucking faggot blah blah,” I wasn’t really listening because it was totally killing my erection. He ends up storming off and leaving me with the worst case of blue balls this side of the Red Sea. I ended up jerking it to one of my favorite pornos I saw etched into the side of a mountain – David v. Goliath. Gets me hot just thinking about it.
Anyway, after I sobered up from the post-orgasmic glow, and the blood rushed back to my head after a particularly effective round of erotic asphyxiation, I’m a little nervous about the fall-out. I don’t really get turned down anymore. I pull out that “son of god” bullshit, and guys are bending over left and right. I just really hope he doesn’t tell anyone about this. Or try to punish me. Dude’s got a hot cock, and I’m hoping he changes his mind.
Yours IN Christ (hehe),
JC
P.S. I think I got crabs from a trip to the Gardens of Babylon glory hole. Yeesh.
P.P.S. There’s got to be a better cock ring material than gopher wood. I’ve got splinters.
Oh man, I’ve really done it this time. I was hanging out with my disciples, telling them all about the Promised Land – you know, a bunch of shit I made up to make myself the center of attention, god I love attention – and Judas was there, and he was just so strong and muscular and…I’m weak. I know I’m supposed to be asexual. I’m trying to start this new religious based on how awesome I am; I can’t be out there fucking anything that moves. I know my sexual desires will undermine my self-involved mission of starting a movement named after me, but I am a human being after all, despite what I tell these morons.
And Judas was there hanging on my every word while I was talking commandments and how evil women are, and I told him “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and I swear, I SWEAR his gaze traveled down my (rock hard) body, and he licked his lips! This is what the Romans are always talking about in the bath houses. The prolonged eye contact, the conversations filled with sexual undertones. The shrouds, my god, the barely-there shrouds…
So I took him aside while the others were talking about their beards and shit, and offered to get him “closer to God.” This line works all the time on the boys down at Jerusalem Day School where I like to play a little game I call “Sodom and Gomorrah,” and I figured it would work on him too. I had him sit down and get comfortable so I could heal him. I’m always offering to heal people, so I can get all handsy. I’m nothing if not creative – and manipulative. And a tiger in the sack (rarr!).
I got on my knees in front of him to pray for his sins and initiate the “healing process” whereby I put his uncut dong directly into my mouth. What a sexy sight the two of us made, all sweaty in the afternoon sun. He protested, just as they always do, but I quieted him down and told him Mary Magdalene lets me use my healing mouth on her all the time. These guys are so desperate to get in on the ground level, that they’re quick to fall for these petty power games against each other. We all know Mary Magdalene is a dyke. She’d rather go cheer on the gladiators than play doctor with one of them. Mmm, gladiators.
Anyway, he’s getting into it against his will (I love a struggle), and I’m about to pull out my A game and bend him over the hood of Peter’s oxen cart, and dude flips out. He’s all like “blah blah blah fucking faggot blah blah,” I wasn’t really listening because it was totally killing my erection. He ends up storming off and leaving me with the worst case of blue balls this side of the Red Sea. I ended up jerking it to one of my favorite pornos I saw etched into the side of a mountain – David v. Goliath. Gets me hot just thinking about it.
Anyway, after I sobered up from the post-orgasmic glow, and the blood rushed back to my head after a particularly effective round of erotic asphyxiation, I’m a little nervous about the fall-out. I don’t really get turned down anymore. I pull out that “son of god” bullshit, and guys are bending over left and right. I just really hope he doesn’t tell anyone about this. Or try to punish me. Dude’s got a hot cock, and I’m hoping he changes his mind.
Yours IN Christ (hehe),
JC
P.S. I think I got crabs from a trip to the Gardens of Babylon glory hole. Yeesh.
P.P.S. There’s got to be a better cock ring material than gopher wood. I’ve got splinters.
Jesus Was a Faggot?
Of course Jesus was a fucking faggot. He had long hair, didn’t he? Preached a bunch of crazy, left-wing bullshit? Ran with a ton of dudes?
From what we’ve gathered from informants and other reliable sources, we can ascertain that Jesus made it into his early thirties without ever having a female in his bed (seriously, they will not dispute you on this, people have tried). He had an orgy of male followers--washing his feet and shit--who were willing to do nutty-ass things, like cut peoples’ ears off for him. He also had some other fag following him around in the desert and shit, trying to get him to do all this gay stuff. Then just a whole shit-ton of this blah blah blah, paradise bullshit. Like, a fucking lot. Oh, and miracles! For real, he brought a guy back from the dead. I mean, seriously, what did you guys think, that he’s just some normal, straight dude?
You guys have gotten so built up on the mythology of the whole thing that you never have stopped to consider the rampant turd-burglary that was clearly going on during the genesis of your religion.
But that’s not all you’ve failed to pay attention to. Let’s just start with the basic “judge not, lest ye be judged” principle. I mean, all kinds of people love passing judgment against others. We all do it. And we like it when we’re doing it. I know I’m not big on Thomas Kinkade aficionados. I have a hard time respecting them. But it’s hardest to see this sort of judgment when it comes from some pompous, self-promoting Christian prick. At least if you don’t advertise your overriding sense of beliefs, it’s harder for others to tell when you fuck up on one of them. I mean, I can go buy a copy of your rulebook. They have it in hotels and shit for free. It’s everywhere. It says that you’re not supposed to judge me. It says don’t do it. FOUL! Whatever, getting off-topic...
Yes, Jesus was a flaming queen. A boundless sodomite, even. Sorry. It’s one of many things your Sunday school teacher may have failed to mention. I’m certainly not suggesting that he got some sort of sick pleasure from being hung up on a cross by a bunch of sweaty soldiers in togas. But I’m not saying that he didn’t, either. Yeah, sorry. It was just on my mind and I thought that I would bring it up.
From what we’ve gathered from informants and other reliable sources, we can ascertain that Jesus made it into his early thirties without ever having a female in his bed (seriously, they will not dispute you on this, people have tried). He had an orgy of male followers--washing his feet and shit--who were willing to do nutty-ass things, like cut peoples’ ears off for him. He also had some other fag following him around in the desert and shit, trying to get him to do all this gay stuff. Then just a whole shit-ton of this blah blah blah, paradise bullshit. Like, a fucking lot. Oh, and miracles! For real, he brought a guy back from the dead. I mean, seriously, what did you guys think, that he’s just some normal, straight dude?
You guys have gotten so built up on the mythology of the whole thing that you never have stopped to consider the rampant turd-burglary that was clearly going on during the genesis of your religion.
But that’s not all you’ve failed to pay attention to. Let’s just start with the basic “judge not, lest ye be judged” principle. I mean, all kinds of people love passing judgment against others. We all do it. And we like it when we’re doing it. I know I’m not big on Thomas Kinkade aficionados. I have a hard time respecting them. But it’s hardest to see this sort of judgment when it comes from some pompous, self-promoting Christian prick. At least if you don’t advertise your overriding sense of beliefs, it’s harder for others to tell when you fuck up on one of them. I mean, I can go buy a copy of your rulebook. They have it in hotels and shit for free. It’s everywhere. It says that you’re not supposed to judge me. It says don’t do it. FOUL! Whatever, getting off-topic...
Yes, Jesus was a flaming queen. A boundless sodomite, even. Sorry. It’s one of many things your Sunday school teacher may have failed to mention. I’m certainly not suggesting that he got some sort of sick pleasure from being hung up on a cross by a bunch of sweaty soldiers in togas. But I’m not saying that he didn’t, either. Yeah, sorry. It was just on my mind and I thought that I would bring it up.
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